Delusions

Another week of research has led to the discovery of yet another symptom of PASD. Thoughts of grandeur. While only observed in one subject, who just so happens to be me, this symptom can be catastrophic. After four weeks of sprints(ish) and a very successful 5k last weekend, I decided to attempt five miles just this afternoon. After downloading some new tunes and lacing up my shoes, I headed to a new (flat) trail with a spring in my step, so excited to accomplish another goal. When I arrived at the trial head I shrugged off my bladder’s warning that now would be a good time to visit the ladies’ room, even though there was a portable bathroom on site, knowing that just a mile up the trail there would be a nice facility complete with restroom and water fountain. Two miles later it finally dawned on me that I had read the map wrong. Battling mid-afternoon heat and disbelief at how my body was responding, I decided to take my first walk break. Although short, only twenty seconds or so (I’m still an athlete), I had just enough time to realize the stupidity of my decisions so far that day. While five miles may be a breeze to some people, for those of us suffering from PASD it can be a challenge. One might even consider hydrating the day before instead of attending a friend’s wedding and indulging in between one and four drinks. However, if that scenario can’t be avoided, perhaps drinking water all day would be a good choice instead of waiting until an hour before the run. But like a good little athlete I got back on my horse and finished my run, just a mile short of my goal. Like I said, thoughts of grandeur. Another time, perhaps.

After my failed attempt at running today, I began considering whether these delusional thoughts extend into other parts of my life. Yes, I’ve recently agreed to run a half-marathon. I won’t even pretend that’s a good idea, but hey, you’ve got to work for something, right? Where exactly do these thoughts find their origin? Daydreams of travel have recently forced their way into my thought life, finding a nice little seat next to hopes of free graduate school . I’ve begun to realize that my first instinct when anything is going haywire in my life (not perfectly aligned with what I think would be fun) is to run. Not indefinitely, just to take a little break and see the world. This need to travel is also fueled by boredom, curiosity, genuine love for seeing God’s creation, and a desire to learn, but for right now we’ll just go with discontent. While I love living in Weeville, love the friends I’ve made and the opportunities I’ve had and the places I’ve been, I can’t avoid a constant nagging feeling that there’s something more. That I’m missing something, but right now Jesus and I seem to be on different pages about what that something is. Really, I just haven’t landed on a page yet and He is hanging out in a book I can’t find on a back shelf on the restricted floor of Gorgas. It’s like an off-day has turned into an off-eight months. 

So what’s a girl to do? Really, answer please. This nagging feeling is usually quite imperceptible, but so overwhelming when it hits that I just can’t sort my thoughts out. Maybe that is why this need to compete and exercise has been so intense, because I’m fighting the desire to pack my things and go look for God’s will somewhere else when He so clearly has me here and wants me to search for and be thankful for everything around me in Weeville. There is a disconnect between who I am right now (pretty cool but a little moody, enjoyable to be around most days) and who I know I’m going to be (freaking awesome most of the time, always enjoyable to be around unless you hurt my feelings and make me sad). But even with the urge to run and some things I’m not happy with, I am still blown away, each and every day, by how incredible my love story with Jesus is. I’m floored by how joyful He makes me and how He loves me perfectly. I mean, I get discouraged sometimes and right now is rough and you can tell from my ranting that I still don’t know quite how to express my feelings, but WHOA man I am in love with God. And He is good. And I don’t know what it is yet, but His plan is perfect. Says so. So, I will keep running. I will keep writing because this has been quite therapeutic. And I will keep singing love songs to Jesus at the top of my lungs, because that’s exactly where I’m supposed to be. Get out and run/walk/hike/bike/swim/play this week. Endorphins rock.

Char Thoughts:

- You know you’re getting old when all your friends have started using correct punctuation and capitalization on Facebook – I’m so blown away by the support of my friends and family/I can’t believe people actually read this – Mom would kill me if she knew how long my hair is right now. She comes to visit on Tuesday. Prepare for the slaughter – I am unbelievably proud of my family and all they have accomplished and how they contribute positively to this world – When I finished my run all I could think about was icing-covered animal crackers. So I ate them – 

The Diagnosis

For four wonderful years as an undergrad at the University of Alabama I was confronted with the realities of mental disorders as I studied psychology and the behavior of my fellow students. From depression and anxiety to my personal favorite, dissociative fugues, I have studied them all. One hot topic of late has been Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. But I feel the media has done the general public a disservice in neglecting to publicize another disorder, one that I have found running rampant throughout the population of twenty-somethings with whom I hold an acquaintance. This newly-discovered illness is Post Athletic Stress Disorder. While it has yet to be accepted into the next edition of the DSM, I have decided to take it upon myself to conduct research to further understand the nature of this tragic disease.

I have conducted extensive research on a random sample of young adults in the Southeast. This completely random sample is made up entirely of my close friends and family members, all of whom I have classified as ex-elite level athletes. Over the course of between eleven and twenty-three months I have applied various research methods, including but not limited to natural observation, stress tests, surveys (given verbally), and counseling sessions (always impromptu and occasionally conducted under the influence of mild depressant substances). This research has led to the compilation of a set of observable symptoms. Any three of the following symptoms exhibited within a two-week period, along with a history of competitiveness and athletic zeal, constitute a preliminary diagnosis of PASD. The symptoms are as follows:

A rise in body fat percentage

Expansion of the middle third of the body

Irritability

Sharp decline in stamina

Muscle deterioration

Windedness resulting in cramping

Restlessness

Lack of motivation

Proposed treatment for this disorder is still under review and will be posted on this blog over the course of the next year. My first venture into the treatment of this disorder has been an interval training program which I began three weeks ago. With the help of a few friends, Ashley and Mary Kate, treatment has been mostly consistent, despite hormonal setbacks this week that could only be solved by a heavy dose of chocolate given intravenously.

So here we go, Mom, your year-long dream for me to start blogging again has come true. I promise my future publications will be less clinical, more joyful (perhaps), and just as sarcastic. And I will conclude with Char Thoughts, random things I’ve thought of throughout the week that I want to express.

- How is Desperate Housewives still on the air? - When you swallow your food but you didn’t chew it enough. Ow. – Grateful for friends who push themselves to be better. – God stopped me to smile today when He gave me a four-leaf clover and the sound of the wind blowing. – I got to teach a kid how to taste honeysuckle yesterday. – Jesus is really good at connecting people. -