Fears

I used to be terrified of flying. Not so much flying itself, but any turbulence at all. And when they down-shifted once you got to cruising altitude. Horrifying to me. I always thought the engines were stopping. Any slight disturbance, any stray from the norm, and I was positive we were going down. Then I took a ride in a tiny four passenger plane over the mountains near San Diego. Our little plane got tossed back and forth in the air currents and I swore we were going to crash, but everything was perfectly normal. Since then, a little turbulence doesn't make my heart skip a beat.

I also used to be terrified of tornadoes. We would have tornado warnings a lot when I was in elementary school, and every time I thought I was going to get sick I was so scared. I can remember huddling down in the garage at Char's house one time and thinking that either the hail or the wind would do me in. I couldn't breathe I was so scared when storms came. Then I met some friends in college who decided storm chasing was the thing to do, and we ended up a few hundred yards away from one of the most destructive tornadoes in Alabama history, running (hobbling with my leg brace) into the music building for cover and praying for safety. Tornadoes don't scare me much anymore. I respect the storm and know it is incredibly powerful, but for the most part, I've seen the enemy. And while the enemy could still kill me, at least now I know what it looks like.

The unknown is scary, as everyone already knows, and it always will be. I am scared of so many things. I'm scared of PT school and whether I'll make it, of falling in love, getting married, taking care of patients, parenthood, and a million other wonderful things. I'm scared of bad things as well, but who isn't? It's fear of the good things that gives me pause. I'm excited, I want those things, but they still scare me. I can't wait for all of these things to happen, but man! Talk about responsibility. For this short little period of time, it's just me hanging out. Yes, I have the responsibility of not disappointing the people I love and of taking care of myself, but when compared to the list above, those two responsibilities seem manageable. I have duties at work and school and to friends and family, but really I'm just taking care of myself and exploring my options. I have this tiny window during which I'm allowed to be unabashedly selfish. And the responsibility to come is beautiful, breathtaking in its magnitude and sweetness, but this little window I'm in right now? It's roomy. I get impatient, but I can breathe pretty easily here. Too often I wish it away when I should be savoring its specialness. Is that a word? I've been sitting here trying to think of the right word to put there, the right word to describe this time that is unlike any other I will have in my life, but I can't nail it down. It's just special. There is time to learn. There is time to read and listen and wake up early and go to bed late and get lost in the woods with my iPod and no pressing need to answer to anyone when I make it back to the car. There are wonderful things to come, but there is so much wonder here as well. I'm afraid of losing sight of that just as I'm afraid of what comes after it. Fears all around, healthy ones and unhealthy ones, but fears just the same. Overcoming them, getting to the unknown and walking through it, that's where life is.