Seasons

You know those days you feel so full you feel like you might explode? Not full of food, thought I've had plenty of those days as well, but full of life and joy. This week has been like that. I woke up this morning with so much happiness and thankfulness I can't decide what I should do. I mean, I'll go to work in a little while, but until then I feel like a kid who just got a huge present and I'm just pacing around in my brain smiling but no one is looking at me yet. I wake up around 5 since being backing in the States so I really don't have any friends awake yet at whom I can smile.

Everyone talks of going through seasons in life. Dry seasons, happy seasons, sad seasons, fertile seasons, all kinds of seasons. I had a season in college during which angels would sing me awake every morning. Not audibly, but I would wake up with a huge smile on my face and float through my day like Cinderella bestowing my gifts aplenty to woodland friends. Obviously this is an exaggeration, but there was a time I felt like that every day. All day. It must have been so annoying for the people around me. Then came graduation.

If anyone tells you they graduated with everything figured out and moved to the perfect place with the perfect set of friends and the perfect job and never felt scared or out-of-place, never introduce them to me. I don't want to hear their story. Not yet anyway. The year (or two) right after college is not an easy one. It's miserably weird. You still have friends in college living the good life. For months it seems like everyone you meet is either married, engaged, or obnoxiously well-adjusted to their new lives. Then, miraculously, you meet someone who is just as confused, lonely, and scared as you. I was lucky enough to move in with a dear friend from college who helped me walk through the yuck of this odd year (two), but even with her friendship and encouragement it was a challenging season.

A year and a half after moving to Atlanta I finally joined a small group (committment terrifies me, keep your judgement to yourself) and in God's infinite wisdom and indulgent blessing I found women just like me. Very different from me, but so much like me. They were real. They were honest and funny and smart. They weren't scared to be frustrated with God and weren't scared when I talked about my frustrations, many of which they shared. They enjoyed God. I started to learn about who I am now, an adult who doesn't live across the quad from all my best friends but who gets to celebrate both old and new friendships. I wrote a few weeks ago about becoming more myself on the trip to Nepal and that transformation began picking up momentum when I met the incredible girls I see once a week to unpack life.

Then I went to Nepal. I didn't feel a huge difference in myself or my mood while I was living in Nepal, but upon my return I've found a new season taking shape. I am full again. I love people well again (it has been pretty iffy lately). I learned and changed, not because I was trying to, but because I've been crying out for change and freedom for two years. I've found that seasons don't come because I will them into existence, but because I draw near. I had to draw near for a very long time before this one came. There will be times when I have to seek for much longer, but God is faithful. He is good. It will come.

While in Nepal I read a story about celebrating change even before it comes. I started to thank Jesus for the freedom I had been asking for. It wasn't there yet, but in His faithfulness I thanked Him for the hope of glory. I thanked Him for the transformation I had no idea would happen upon my return to the States. I am once again in a place that feels warm and cozy and full of life. A sweet friend I haven't seen in too many months, one I respect and whose opinion I care very much about, pointed out the change she saw earlier this week. I needed that encouragement. I didn't know if anyone else could tell and it made me excited to know I wasn't going a little crazy over here. It is a visible shift, one that started long ago and one I get to enjoy for as long as I can. Paying attention to how I live in this season, trying to make myself aware of all that is going on, celebrating by loving people well and bringing glory to the Father who faithfully brings change when we need it most, these things are my reality for the next little while. And I love it.

AND I LOVE THE FALL!! It's the most wonderful time of the year. Halloween through New Years is the best time. I just love it. And spring too, and summer and winter until it gets annoying.

Roll Tide