Not into back-ups

It's a curious thing, growing up in the South. My parents never encouraged this insane way of looking at the future, but in the culture at large there is an expectation to have certain things done in a certain amount of time, for your life to look a particular way. I always assumed that at twenty-six I would be celebrating my fourth wedding anniversary, have a well-paying but easy-to-leave job (because babies), and be fully engrossed in redecorating different rooms of my palatial home provided by my cookie-cutter, croakie-wearing WASPy husband. That is what I assumed my life would be like when I was sixteen looking forward. Praise the sweet Lord we don't stay sixteen. Because, gag me.

Despite the future I imagined for myself in the confines of my teenage brain, that life was never the plan. And the life I'm now living is not the back-up plan. It is the adventure I couldn't imagine for myself. It is the future that is so different and so much sweeter. That other life would've been easier at some points along the way. And it would be killing me (softly) slowly from the inside out.

Let me take this opportunity, before I begin typing up a few spirited thoughts about my own life and the lives of singles, to say that I have women very close to me who married soon after college. And they totally, completely knocked it out of the park. They picked the good ones, and they got them early on. They are strong, adventurous, rowdy women who have never once made me feel like an outsider, like I don't fit in their lives now because they're married. Their lives also don't look the way they always imagined them. Their lives are different and better than we thought they would be, and they are different and better because the women in my life are rock stars. They are my people, and I'm their people, and they will be the first ones to high five me when I write this. Because they're awesome. So please don't think I'm knocking married people, here. I'm knocking myself for thinking I knew better at sixteen. I'm ranting at myself, rebelling against what I thought would make me happy. You have to get mad before you can forgive, and this is a way of getting mad at myself and forgiving myself and encouraging my next steps all at once. It is the support I need to give myself and the women like me. This is how I will choose to look at my life.

This is not my back-up plan. I'm not spending my days doing things to pass time because other things haven't come along yet (i.e. a career, a man, a house). I'm living my life. It isn't validated by the number of dates I've been asked on or the size of my paycheck (thank God). It isn't what some people would have chosen. It is what I have chosen, though I wasn't always aware I was making the choice. I have spoken with other women who feel their life isn't complete, or worthy, or something because they aren't sharing it with someone. Ladies. We're sharing it with so many someones. You just shared it with me. We're all in this right now, all trying to figure out the next step and be happy along the way. And for some women that next step is marriage and a settled down life, in a wonderful way. I understand that, and in this frustration I currently feel about how we choose to view our lives, I am sure there is some grace I'm failing to extend. But the thought that your life, the life that I get to be a part of because you're my friend, isn't enough because you don't have a man is offensive to me. It belittles our relationship. There isn't a magical man wand you wave over a relationship that makes it matter. It exists, it is honest, it is good. That is what matters. Friendship still matters.

My current life as a single twenty-six year old student with at least three years of school left to go is not one of the possibilities I have entertained over the years. It's not something I spent time daydreaming about. But I don't want to plan and I don't want to daydream, I just want to be present here. My parents have said simple comments lately that have left me feeling so proud and thankful for the life I'm leading, so proud of the person they have raised me to be. They remind me that it isn't supposed to look a certain way. It's just supposed to be real and mine.

I'm scared of a lot of things. I'm mostly scared of the unknown and right now almost everything is unknown. But I'm trying with everything in me to make sure I don't live a life ruled by fear. I'm pressing into it, into the good kind of fear. The kind that takes you to foreign countries on your own. The kind that screams at the thought of settling. The kind that makes you stand a little taller and shine a little brighter.

There is so much life to be lived. And I want everything, I want all the things. I'm trying so hard not to care about the order of those things, and at this moment I've found myself in that content, excited place. Because this isn't my back-up. I won't discredit my time or my life. My parents never once said something when I was growing up that led to a mindset of "get married and settle down." They are wise people who raised a daughter they intended to be curious, independent, and kind. I've finally started to realize I've always been those things. All of a sudden I look back and realize I'm living one of those lives I like to hear about. I'm becoming one of those people I like to be around. And it's Jesus. At the end of the day, it's always Jesus. The direction, the decisions, the admirable things and the hard things and the grace things. Jesus.

 

Saving Up

I've been writing blogs in a journal lately. Some are the words I've been too scared to write for a few months now, but others are good words. These are some of those good words. I've had and will have more time this spring for writing and reading than most other periods of my life. I hope I'm using it well. I wrote these words a few weeks ago on a particularly good day. I'm not having one of those good days today. It's been a harder month for some reason. But I found these and was reminded of the good work being done. I love when I find words I've saved up, written down because I'm just bursting, and they bring my encouragement down the road. What a cool thing. Here are the words I wrote:

 

Today, I want the best things for myself. It is so easy for me to fall into comparison. I look at what other people have or will have, or what I used to have or think I should have. It is easy for me to stick my feet in and demand what I always thought I was going to get. But do I really want those things? I'll tell you what I want, and it isn't the idea of what I thought my life should look like and it definitely isn't what my life used to look like.

If I claim to want God's will, it doesn't make sense anymore for me to mourn what I thought may have been. There is a place for mourning and being sad, please hear me. Those things are vital to a healthy life. But I've done my time in sadness and disappointment. I'm called to joy. I want God's will, truly.

I want everything. I want the massive dreams that are too big to fit in my heart yet. They're little seedlings that I'm so stoked about. I want the stories and the laughter and I want my king to say "Well done." And He will, because He is gracious. But I want to know when He says it that I did everything I could to walk the best way. I want to take the best paths and love the best ways. I want to laugh at everything along the way. He is light, life, and joy. I want those things.

Ideas I've had about what I thought would be such fun and so good are nothing compared to His plan. His best plan. If I'm not getting something I've thought I wanted, in the way I want, it must not be God's will. Not right now and maybe not ever. And if it isn't God's will I don't want it. So I'm done with sadness and longing and disappointment. I've been given joy, my hope is for heaven, and I want to love well in each moment until then.

Jesus changed the world with His love, and He changed me with His love. Who am I to try to change the world any other way?