Saving Up

I've been writing blogs in a journal lately. Some are the words I've been too scared to write for a few months now, but others are good words. These are some of those good words. I've had and will have more time this spring for writing and reading than most other periods of my life. I hope I'm using it well. I wrote these words a few weeks ago on a particularly good day. I'm not having one of those good days today. It's been a harder month for some reason. But I found these and was reminded of the good work being done. I love when I find words I've saved up, written down because I'm just bursting, and they bring my encouragement down the road. What a cool thing. Here are the words I wrote:

 

Today, I want the best things for myself. It is so easy for me to fall into comparison. I look at what other people have or will have, or what I used to have or think I should have. It is easy for me to stick my feet in and demand what I always thought I was going to get. But do I really want those things? I'll tell you what I want, and it isn't the idea of what I thought my life should look like and it definitely isn't what my life used to look like.

If I claim to want God's will, it doesn't make sense anymore for me to mourn what I thought may have been. There is a place for mourning and being sad, please hear me. Those things are vital to a healthy life. But I've done my time in sadness and disappointment. I'm called to joy. I want God's will, truly.

I want everything. I want the massive dreams that are too big to fit in my heart yet. They're little seedlings that I'm so stoked about. I want the stories and the laughter and I want my king to say "Well done." And He will, because He is gracious. But I want to know when He says it that I did everything I could to walk the best way. I want to take the best paths and love the best ways. I want to laugh at everything along the way. He is light, life, and joy. I want those things.

Ideas I've had about what I thought would be such fun and so good are nothing compared to His plan. His best plan. If I'm not getting something I've thought I wanted, in the way I want, it must not be God's will. Not right now and maybe not ever. And if it isn't God's will I don't want it. So I'm done with sadness and longing and disappointment. I've been given joy, my hope is for heaven, and I want to love well in each moment until then.

Jesus changed the world with His love, and He changed me with His love. Who am I to try to change the world any other way?